It is important to understand the difficulty of having a disability. Yes, it is a challenge. However, in reality it is a daily struggle to function and “conform” to societies expectations. The problem with society views opposite as bad and same is good. If you like the same football team, you are amazing! If you like the wrong football you are trash. Society is never satisfied with who you are. In the workplace, having a disabilities that impacts your cognitive functions is difficult to navigate. Last week, a co worker approached me to compliment my work style. My organization and efficiency were impressive to this individual. Nonetheless, the person has a misconception of how I operate. Yes, I am efficient and organized. However, that is the only way I can function and ensure my job duties are completed. I repeat the same routine and steps consistently to make sure I do a good job. It is confusing for people to accept my disability and realize how much work it takes me to be successful. I work 40 hours a week with people that don’t understand disability or me. They form a glorified ideal of me and my skills. They think that working with a disability makes you super human.
What they don’t see is my going home at the end of day. Swollen joints, pain, emotionally exhausted from dealing with people and trying my best to understand instructions from people that don’t understand me. My anxiety is off the roof and I worry I made mistakes on big projects. I get home, change my clothes and do not leave the bed until the next morning. I have nightmares and if my PTSD has been triggered I have night terrors. My cognitive delay means you tell me something and 10mins later I understand. Sometimes, I never understand. But I have steps in place to get it done. My PTSD means I am stressed and anxious at work. Someone walks up behind me and startles me… I become physically ill. I see the faces of those that abused me throughout my life in every man and woman at work and on the street. Sometimes I want to go home because I am afraid to be outside the confines of my apartment. But I keep going, I go to work and repeat the cycle. My Borderline Personality Disorder causes me to disassociate. I will stare into space for minutes or hours at a time on auto pilot. I don’t always remember what I accomplished in a day, so I have everything written down. I black out at my desk and people have spoke to me and given me tasks. I don’t’ remember. My Bipolar makes me sad and depressed. I will cry for no reason. I have insomnia and won’t sleep for days or weeks.
My Borderline Personality Disorder causes me to disassociate. I will stare into space for minutes or hours at a time on auto pilot. I don’t always remember what I accomplished in a day, so I have everything written down. I black out at my desk and people have spoke to me and given me tasks. I don’t’ remember. My Bipolar makes me sad and depressed. I will cry for no reason. I have insomnia and won’t sleep for days or weeks.
But people do not get to see me after the show. After I put on a play of intrigue and comedy. I exit the stage and the real me is there. You see, people will say they want to know you. But in reality, they only want to know the pieces of you they WANT to know. I often think, if people knew me, they would hate me. That is irrational. Sooner or later, people will see who I am. I am a complex entity that struggles and keeps going. They want conformity that makes THEM feel more comfortable.
I persevere and continue to be alive even though it is hard and exhausting. The one thing I wish people would realize it: I am a good person, I work hard, I do my job, I do University fulltime and I am determined to succeed. BUT it is not easy and I am not amazing. I am just person with struggles that never gives up…I am just like everybody else.
