Living Your Truth Starts with Accepting the past

Trigger Warning: Sexual and physical abuse,   mention of cults, domestic violence.

Finding Your truth is the biggest challenge to face. Often, the past dictates your future. It doesn’t have too. 

Here is our truth

I was born in 1989, thirty one years ago. My father was abusive to my mother and I witnessed this abuse until they divorced when I was 2 years old. Do I have abandonment issues and “daddy” issues? Yes. But as an adult I learned not to hate my father. He was never really around and when he was it is nothing but scary and dangerous memories. 

When I was 3 years old my mother joined a cult. Now, coming to terms with this was difficult but it is what it is. At the age of 4, three children in this same cult sexually assaulted me. The perpetrators were female which oddly shocks most people. Cults don’t protect children. They harm them and create monsters.

Throughout teen years we endured physical assaults by cult members, grooming by adults with negative intentions and countless other traumatic experiences. 

In an attempt to escape, we left home at 17. We moved in with our very first boyfriend. This relationship turned mentally, verbally and physically abusive. We were with this person for 2.5 years. After this situation ended, we returned to the cult. Naturally, this was a mistake. At the age of 24, we were sexually assaulted again by a male perpetrator. 

We lived in assisted living facilities from 2013 until our next abusive relationship at the end of 2015. 

Assisted living was an extremely negative time, we were robbed by other residents, verbally abused by staff and physically assaulted a few times by a resident. Again in a misguided attempt to escape, we moved in with a person. We barely escaped with our lives and have not processed all the abuse we endured for that 2 year period.

That is the past that has left us fractured, anxious, sad, depressed, fearful, just frankly terrified most of the time. 

Ultimately, the early years of trauma caused extreme damage. Dissociative Identity Disorder is caused by early childhood trauma. The personality of the child cannot fully integrate, but instead fractures into many personalities called alters. 

We are a system of alters that seek to achieve functionality. There are 22+ of us that share this body. We have Autism, we have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder etc.etc.

That is us, our past shaped us and now we have good things in our life. 

We have are our wonderful husband that is the best man we have ever known♡♡♡ He supports us, cares for us, loves us and we forever grateful to the universe for sending him to us. 

Our wonderful friends that have supported us countless times♡. Through ups and downs you’re still here, thank you.

Life is life, struggle is struggle, but sooner or later it gets better. It is an uphill battle, but everyone has the power and strength to make it through. It will all be okay. 

We are many and unique. We are the good that came from the bad.

Disability does not make you evil, your choices do

Right and wrong is a choice

The truth is that the wicked will always seem to prosper. Bad deeds are easier than doing the right thing. The problem with some people is choosing to do the wrong thing and not supporting the right. The battle of good and evil is as old as time. Throughout the millennia the victors write the history and sometimes that is flawed. The question is why do what is easy if it is wrong? Because people assume not saying anything or not taking action to fix something means they are not accountable. Well, anyone that chooses to support or be complacent in wrongdoing lacks morality and integrity.

People will use their disability as an excuse to not helps others. Keep in mind, I am a member of the disability community. There is a stark contrast between reason and excuse. A reason means you have tried or are trying to do the right thing, but an obstacle blocks your path. An excuse means you don’t even try and just chalk it up to “I have a disability and I can’t do it.”

Mental health and trauma does not make you do the wrong thing. If you are walking down the street and see someone bleeding to death you choose to help or walk on by. Your mental health has nothing do with being a good a person. Can your mental health contribute to making wrong decisions?

Yes of course, but if you are aware of your actions and you choose to be self centered in that moment without regard to others,

it is not your disability making a choice: it is you.

This is my problem: If you use your mental health as an excuse not to support those that are right. Then you are the evil this world harbors so dearly. Any person that would betray those doing the right thing or flat out ignore something happening to other people is evil. Evil is willingly harming others with your actions. This means, if you know something is occurring that will be harmful to others and you do not speak up: you are as much of the problem as those doing the misdeed.

If you have the opportunity to do what is right, but you are afraid of the consequences so much that you choose the wrong path: you don’t deserve the support of good people.

Now, this may seem harsh to some. But tell me: If you needed help and one person had the ability to prevent harm to you, to prevent harm to others…would you ignore it?

If you see your friend, family member or spouse being beat in the street would you walk by?

Your friends and family lean on you to support them and do the right thing. For me, if I need you to do whats right and you won’t because of fear. Than you are a coward. I have no respect, friendship, familial bond or compassion for you any longer.

You either step up and stand beside the ones that love you, or you let them down.

I am not bitter at the people that wronged me throughout my life. I am indifferent. Heck, some of the bad things in my life were caused by my bad choices. I own that. Don’t get me wrong, I would help you if you were dying or needed aid, but I am not your friend. I am not your support. I am not there for you.

Mental health is not a reason to ignore wrongdoing and stay quiet and mental health does not make you a selfish person. That is a choice.

People Suck- Disability and Social Interactions

People suck. That is the simple determination everyone in society realizes. The concept of good and bad or fair and unfair is dictated by humanity. The issue with this suckage is drawing the line between people and disability. A person with mental health and developmental disabilities will react differently to stress. Trust is hard to give or trust too freely given. For me, I have a bit of both. At times, I will trust too fast and later learn the people are bad. Sometimes, I am hesitant to trust those that are good. The problem is there is no way to know the difference. Sometime we have to accept the good and the bad while remember we are not the issue. You, him, her, they,they are not the issue.

It may be an oversimplification, but everyone sucks in different ways and no one is immune. What I learned is my disability makes me a target, but not vulnerable because I accept that people are mean, ruthless, violent, kind, helpful, nice, lovely, empathetic, pathetic, hateful, caring and resilient to pain.

My disabilities do not prevent me, but act as a magnifier of peoples bad and good attributes. Why? because I have survived the bad of people, I have been abused and broken, but I am still here. Which means people suck a little less each day when you accept the fact. Everyone sucks equally.

Mental Health and Reality

What do you do when you think you’re sick? You go to the doctor. However, when you have mental health diagnosis it can be difficult to go to that type of doctor. Distinguishing fact from mental health is difficult and once the doctor sees your list of “issues” bias kicks in.

Right now, I am attempting to decide if I want to open the struggle of keeping help for my mental health. There are environmental factors with friends and work that are triggering my difficulties. But does that mean I have new mental health problems?

No. It could be the triggers making me think I am worse. What is the reality of the situation?

Well, I may have had this mental health condition my entire life. I was never evaluated for this particular condition and the symptoms fit. So now I can accept reality, go to the doctor and do my best to avoid toxic people….or I can avoid the inevitable. Neither choice is preferred, but when you have disabilities sometimes your choices are made before you can weigh in on the decision.

I was humiliated – Autism and Trauma Interactions

Trauma stays with you. Last week, a group unintentionally triggered me. In the circumstance, I froze. My anxiety rose and my survival instincts kicked in. I was asked to do something in a room with dominant people. I didn’t process the request but obeyed. Everything would have been fine until I was told to do something. I wasn’t comfortable, I was paraded in a room and felt humiliated. This is what happens when trauma and developmental disabilities mix. People will say “you felt uncomfortable with the request, so say no.” The issue is the fight, flight or freeze of trauma instincts and autism.

I did not understand the request. The environment was hectic and I felt overpowered. So, I survive. I obey, I do and then suffer the aftermath. This circumstance stems from lack of awareness of the group and may need to process slower than average.

How to move forward?

I don’t know. It took me two days to narrow down why it impacted me so terribly. I left the situation as quickly as possible to avoid making rash decisions. Ultimately, I have to communicate my disability symptoms and hope they understand. I have a significant disability which means, I present “normal” but I can be momentarily victimized. When this occurs no matter how unintentional the event was, I suffer.

Mental Health and Daily Life

It is difficult to explain mental health to people that never experience its struggle. How would I describe mental health struggles? It’s like living in your own personal hell. Your mind captures you and locks you away. Than a doppelganger takes your place.

It is hard when you can’t trust your mind. Everything you say and do us questioned for validity. Family and friends are never sure if what you say happened or your mind invented it. To be honest, even you may not trust your mind. Grasping reality is a daily obstacle. It is emotionally and physically draining to maintain sanity.

How do you make people understand what they can’t see?

You can’t. Education breeds awareness, but awareness is a choice. You can be vulnerable to the world, but you can’t make them accept you. Seminars and speeches don’t solve ignorance. Ignorance is a choice.

All you can do as a person with a mental health disability is keep moving forward and wait for the world to realize ignorance isn’t bliss.

*TW* Porcelain Doll – disability and expectations

People will never live up to your expectations. The problem with expectations is people expect them. When someone fails you after you depend on them for support, what is left? Nothing but failed expectations. I always expect people to treat me how I treat them. I try my best and I expect the same, yet that is always too much for people. My disability impacts my ability to communicate, comprehend and maintain relationships. But I have come to realize that I am not always the problem. Sure, once you have mental health and a developmental diagnosis people assume you are overreacting. But what happens when you have no emotional stability and you force yourself to emotionally support another person? What happened when you give everything you can despite the discomfort and despite the pain it causes you, and they still screw you over? Failed expectations. Here is my problem, I don’t care about most people and what happens to them is inconsequential. This jaded outlook is due to years of trauma and the individuals I trust failing my expectations.

What do I expect? Honest, equal support or at least try to match the support that I give you, communicate issues or discomfort and most of all be reliable. Don’t go back on your word and leave me in dirt. Stand up for what is right and don’t leave me to bare the cross. Why is that such a difficult task? People are never who they seem to be. They put on the mask and lure you into a false sense of security, and then they fail you, abuse you or just simply leave you.

On the other side, I put on a mask and people expect it to stay on. To maintain in life, to work and to function in society I cannot be me. I am a broken doll that was glued back together, and the pieces keep falling off. The problem is when my pieces fall off, I must quickly stuff them in my pocket, so no one can see them. But sometimes a piece falls out of my pocket onto the ground and then they notice. What happens? They want me to pick up their pieces but cannot be bothered to pick up mine. That is when I turn from “friend” and emotional support to burden. Ultimately, I am only worth your time when you want me around. I am only worth your time when I wear my mask and fake it. I am only worth your time if I can help you.

That is the reason I am alone. I am broken and no one else bothers to see my pieces, but always expect me to see theirs. I am broken because people saw me as nothing, crushed my porcelain and threw me away. And I am glued back together because I picked myself up piece by piece and tried to fix me. A broken doll doesn’t have a place, so I sit on a shelf and wait for the next person to drop their pieces. Then I get up and help them. Then I glue their pieces back and watch mine continue to fall. But guess what…I still hide my pieces. But sooner or later the doll falls off the shelf and breaks…what then?